Boobs in Tech

Are you wearing makeup right now? A lot of it? Do you look like you’re ready for a night on the town at all times? Can you also code with long nails? Then this is the gig for you!

We’re an early-stage, super funded girly startup - focusing on our own demographic. We’re building a highly visible, innovative searchable marketplace with a social twist for women-specific products and retailers.

We are all about team bonding. We have girly parties and like to blast the Top 40s every morning while we all start off with some group Yoga. We buy organic healthy salads for lunch and splurge out on a fancy dinner in town twice a week all together. We totes expect to bitch about our men, so be prepared to dish out.

Knowledge of JavaScript and Ruby on Rails required.

(or what the female equivalent of brogramming would look like)

I don’t even need to add commentary to this one:

Calling all brogrammers, interns, and one special office manager

… We like to party. We are laser focused on work, but expect to get crunk at least once a month. We believe in a healthy life balance, dev team walks, adequate sleep for the team, and eating our own dogfood. (Actually we provide lunch and dinner for the product team). We believe in 16GB of ram, dual displays, and the cloud. We like dev team field trips, forking code, and building tools to make our own team more productive. We love all kinds of music, tv, movies, and books (and headphones).

…

Did you know that programming is a manly activity? No? Well, a fellow-bro tells you how to code like a man.  Not a bro? Too bad then. Perhaps you might want to join girls-only groups to meet bros?

Hai guys. If I’m going to go all bitch on your asses, I’ll be sure it’s pink and surrounded by hearts. Because all women identify with pink and cursive.

Nothing sucks more than being the only woman in the office, calling everyone out for drinks at the end of the day, and getting that weird look from at least half the dudes in the office.

“Who did she invite first?”
“Is she flirting?!”
“Is anyone else going? Otherwise is it a date.”
“Can I even go get drinks with a woman? Or is she going to talk about shoes the whole time?”

Some of us just want to get a beer at talk about hacker news. Get over it. 

The first bad reason to hire a woman came in today and had stupid written all over it:

How many “That’s What She Said” jokes can you make in one hour? A lot on the internet. A lot. I’m going to just write a bot that responds to the following words with “twss”:

• hot
• hard
• in
• out
• on top
• below
• a
• the
• start
• end
• cats.

Next time you discover someone is female on an IRC channel, please don’t be tedious with your stupid No Girl on the internet “joke”. It is not funny dude! Not even when repeated 100 times by several of you.

A lot of women have horror stories about dick moves by dudes at technical conferences, but the most unwelcome I’ve ever felt was at a conference where women kept coming up to me. Why? Because they all opened with, “Are you a wife, or a girlfriend?”

Like, duh, why else would a chick be at a technical conference except as someone’s date?

I humbly request your first question to women at tech meetups not be “How do you feel like being the only women in this room?” because it would have me reply with  ”How do you feel like being the only moron in this room?”